A gift from the messengers

Special needs fill nearly every thought and moment of my life lately. My mind has become a radio station that plays all advocacy with no commercial interruptions. Health care reform and medical home are in heavy rotation, along with the usual med refills and parent-teacher conference stuff. It’s not universally popular music like the Beatles; it’s complex, dissonant sound that requires effort and courage to listen to. Philip Glass, Rachmaninov and creepy crime drama soundscape rolled into one.

So when I found myself heading to Washington DC (yes, for a health care conference, PCORI), I decided to arrive a few hours early to unplug and reconnect with a passion from my life before special needs—art.

The visual arts have always played a sacred function in my life. Although I love words, I experience an entirely different connection with life when I react to image, line and color. Even when it’s challenging, it feels good.

It was a smart move. Strolling through the National Gallery of Art, I was transported through time and space. All thoughts of accountable care organizations and conference abstracts were arrested for a few moments. But the escape didn’t last long.

The museum’s collection includes a number of fantastic paintings depicting the Annunciation—the moment in the history of Christianity when a messenger angel arrives to tell Mary that she will give birth to Jesus. It’s such a pivotal, rich moment in Christian iconography that there are many versions of the scene in the Gallery’s collection.

The Annunciation is special to me, though not for reasons of conviction. I don’t have a particularly strong faith, more a comfort from stories told and retold throughout my childhood.

The reason the subject is special to me is because this angel, this messenger of peace, is named Gabriel. And so is my son, the one I write about in this blog.

Years ago, when I told my deeply religious aunt that we were going to call our son Gabriel, she replied matter-of-factly, “Gabriel. He will be your peace baby.” She was right. He is one of the most patient, loving, accepting, generous and forgiving people I have ever met.

National Gallery of Art, Washington DC

Even though Gabriel (the angel) is associated with peace, his arrival must have been quite terrifying. No one expects an angel to show up, do they? He’s got to calm people down so that they’ll listen to him. In most of the stories about him, the first words out of his mouth are

Do not be afraid.

So whenever I see any painting of the Annunciation, I first think about Gabriel (my son), his namesake. Then I think: Do not be afraid. And the juxtaposition of those two thoughts always stop me in my tracks.

Much of the emotion I have around parenting Gabriel is fear. Not all, but much. Fear of the future. Fear of not doing or being enough. Fear of doing it wrong. Fear of not feeling the right thing. Fear of being judged for all of it. Fear of never being able to work through the fear.

So there I am, on my little escapist jaunt, riveted by the image of this magnificent angel, appearing before a young woman going about her day. He extends to her a flower of purity, a lily, and reassures her: Do not be afraid.

Looking at one of the paintings, for one moment I am able get my arms around the fullness of my own parenting experience. The terror and the peace. The peace and the terror. It’s there, in oil on board, just right there in four square feet, inviting me to react, to feel it, to stay with it. So I do.

And then it’s gone. I move on, strolling once again. Through the Dutch masters, through the Impressionists, through the gift shop, back out on to the street, back to the conference, back to life. Both the escaping and the embracing of the fear have worked their magic, and even though the music of disability gets cranked back up again, this time it feels like it’s got a beat I might even be able to dance to. At least, I’m not afraid to try. Thank you Gabriel (both of you) for the message.