In a recent stress dream, I sat in an airport coffee shop knowing I was supposed to board a plane, but with no recollection of when the it was going to take off or from which gate. Despite being surrounded by information counters and departure displays, I just sat and sat, paralyzed and ashamed, with no sense that there was anything I could do.
Of course, these stress dreams usually occur for a reason. My son has been getting hurt lately due to an unusual symptom that makes him fall down at sudden noises, and I’ve known for a while that it’s time to do something about it if I want to keep him safe. But the anecdotes I’ve heard from other parents who have kids with this rare syndrome have given me the impression that there aren’t really any good solutions, and each one caused its own negative feeling. The options appeared to me to be as follows: have him start using a wheelchair (makes me sad to think of limiting his mobility on purpose), start on heavy-duty personality-deadening anti-psychotic medication (ugh!), finding a helmet or brace or full body bubble wrap (makes me worry that he will incur even more stares than normal), or collaborating with industry for new applications for existing technology for sound-blocking headphones (makes me feel exhausted just thinking about it), etc, etc. Or I could just doing what I’m doing now, holding my son’s hand whenever he is standing up, even in the house (which is making me feel strung out). So I have been doing nothing, just sitting at the airport waiting to miss the plane.
This morning my husband and I had a quick huddle: I would ask the parent community of my son’s syndrome for their advice, my husband would research headphones. Within minutes of posting my inquiry to the Facebook group (“Help! It’s time! Tell me what you did and help me figure out what to do!”) I had responses. Not perfect answers, but ideas. I realized that many of my fears were completely exaggerated. The drugs weren’t all bad. There was a special walker that could work. The wheelchair wasn’t the worst thing. And most of all, there was company and commiseration.
My recent dream hit all my nightmare buttons: being late, unprepared and disorganized, inconveniencing and disappointing others, appearing and actually being incompetent (two separate but equally humiliating fears). But what really scared me in the dream was observing myself be unable or unwilling to do anything about it, the acceptance of paralysis. Today reminded me that there are plenty of times I’m scared stiff, and that sometimes all I need to do is to take just one small step, especially when that step is asking for help and companionship. Because being afraid is bad, but being paralyzed by that fear is the real nightmare.
Do you have a scary aspect of your child’s care or development that’s got you frozen? What small action could you take that could help you get unstuck–even if it’s as simple as asking for company?